I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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