U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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