Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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