i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
