i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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