I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
