Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
