I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
