i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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