Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
