is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
