I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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