At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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