the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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