Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
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i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
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Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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