I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
