i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
