South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
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Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
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It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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