Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
