The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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