Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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