Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
