there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
