Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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