From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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