Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
