My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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