Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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