sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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