ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
