I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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