i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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