Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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