did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
