Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
