I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
