im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
