Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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