I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
