How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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