I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
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