Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I could fuck to npr.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
