i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
