I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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