Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
he fucked my hip out of place.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
