In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Randomize
