How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
