oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Nobody cheats on THIS.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
