I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
