There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
