You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
