Michael Bay diarrhea
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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