Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
that may or may not have been my penis.
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