We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
